Therapy101 / Relationships
Attachment in relationships
How ideas from attachment theory are used to understand closeness, distance and security in parent-child and adult couple therapy.
Overview
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded through Mary Ainsworth’s observational studies, describes the human need for a secure emotional bond with key figures, particularly when a person is distressed, frightened or vulnerable. Originally formulated to understand infant-caregiver relationships and separation, attachment ideas were later adapted to adult romantic relationships and couple therapy.
How attachment is used in relational therapy
In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and Leslie Greenberg, relationship distress is understood in part as a response to perceived threats to attachment security. When a partner feels unreachable or unresponsive, protest (such as criticism or demanding) or withdrawal (shutting down to avoid conflict) can be read as attempts to manage fear of disconnection rather than simply poor communication skills.
In parent-child and family work, attachment-informed approaches explore how a parent or carer can act as a safe haven when a child is distressed and a secure base from which the child can explore.
A constructed example
Constructed for learning. Not a real case.
In a couple session, one partner becomes sharp when the other arrives home late without texting, while the second partner goes quiet and looks away. With the practitioner’s help, the first partner describes feeling suddenly unimportant and alone when there is no message, and the second partner describes going quiet because they fear saying the wrong thing and making the row worse.
Limits and open questions
Popular labels for attachment styles (such as anxious, avoidant or secure) are often used online as fixed personality types, whereas researchers and clinicians emphasize that attachment patterns can vary across relationships and change over time. Cross-cultural researchers have also questioned how far attachment categories developed in Western observational studies apply across diverse caregiving and family arrangements.
Sources and inspection notes
International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. What is EFT?
Supports: Describes how emotionally focused therapy draws on adult attachment theory across individual, couple and family formats. Its description is not an independent assessment of effectiveness.
Supports: Review of contemporary couple therapy approaches, including attachment-based and emotionally focused models alongside cognitive-behavioural and integrative traditions.
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. What is psychodynamic therapy?
Supports: Introductory UK professional body description of how early relationships and attachment patterns are explored in relation to present relationships.